the floor

of the mouth

at the groove

split at the tip

—a divide of

words running

fast— untied

like a shoe flap

thin blade

            taut between thumbs—palms touch

            purse lips—blow

—your eyes

the color of

coffee beans

honey locust

seed pods

the dark skin

of a Japanese beetle

water buffalo

in still water

two polished

chestnuts lurking

like a hawk circles

or a cougar stalks

—your eyes

deep enough

to drown in

you have held far too much power over me for far too long.                                         

i have been so intimidated by you; i thought i could never match you.

you have been so imposing and overpowering; i thought i had no chance. no control. no choice.

but i do.

i do have a choice, and i choose to live.

to live and to feel hope, and joy.

to shrug off the apathy you cloak me in and rise above the depths of your despair.

i will not be overtaken by you.

this is not a battle you can win, my friend.

 

you found me at a young age and you pulled me in close.

you whispered your malice in my ear and you walked me down all the wrong paths.

you led me into dark corners and let me trip over the roots of the horrors you were planting.

you held me back when i wanted to push forward. you pushed me ahead when i needed to stay still.

you took my hand and you led me toward the end, but i said no.

i let you stay with me, winding around my legs as i tried to run, slowing myself down to keep in pace with you, trusting in your choking presence.

i let you rise up with a vengeance and swallow me whole.

i bled for you, i wept for you, i screamed for you.

i let you drag me down deeper than i knew possible, and i felt true fear.

but no more.

you can’t have me anymore. you can’t be with me anymore.

you will stay back, out of the way, and let me move on.

i know you will always be there, watching and waiting, but you will not come forward.

you will not make a move, and you will not get close to me.

you will not hold me back and you will not take me down.

i will not die because of you.

you will not win.

i will win.

you will lose

everything.                          

I don’t understand

What’s so great about it?

It’s just there

It didn’t take me where I wanted to go

Last thing I remember is a light,

More like a spark

Still not one I wanted to see.

Trucks lights,

Right in my face, not stopping

My mother crying, my father mad

Cop lights in their driveway

Not the lights they wanted to see

An then I saw the light

Not one I wanted to see

A Red light

Fire

Hell!

Not everyone goes to heaven

Water

The purest thing on earth

It can determine life or death

No other thing has the same power

If there was a god

It’ll be made out of water.

Questioning

Is what I was told

Unless it was about “the men above”

I was judged

By those who said

Only he can judge

So I ask and no answer has come

Questions is all I had

Is he real? Or not?

Should I follow my gut?

Or those that follow blindly

no answer came

They told me what I need was faith

And all the answers would come pouring

But instead I got logic that’s when the answers started pouring.

Sinking. Faltering.

Losing control of life.

In too deep. No way out.

The journey is unforgiving.

Heart full of doubt.

It will get better, they say.

Be strong, they say.

I hope. I dream of that day.

Hand over the burden.

For a minute. For an hour.

To not feel the weight

A blessing.

A power.

Taking it back little by little.

Strength. Perseverance.

Help rolls off the tongue.

The first step is taken forward.

The next step has begun.

Pulling out of the sink hole.

Fighting. Loving.

No more falling.

No longer alone

In a lifetime of stalling.

Coming through to the other side.

Seeing the light.

Picking up the pieces

that have shattered around me

in the dark of night

It will be ok, they say.

and in the light of day,

on the moons hem

I am starting to believe them.